You've left me speechless, so speechless.

I'm not in the mood to document the trip Edinburgh today just now.
People always say they admire how I apparently don't give a fuck about things and just get on with my life. What, you think I don't sit in my bedroom, crying my eyes out, trying to drown it out using movies that usually make me happy? Does that make people think that I am so fucking indestructable that dropping, even just the tiniest, bombshell on me won't tempt me to start hurting myself again, especially if you actually knew about that?

I want to see my best friend soon but we're both so different in our interests that I wouldn't even know where to begin on asking her to go for a wander or something. When school starts back I don;t think most people even imagine what I'll be feeling when I see certain people again. I've missed Sarah so much. I didn't think I could be like this over a friend ever but I am and at this moment I would give anything to just hear her babble about nothing of specific importance or watch her write up endless notes that she eventually will try to explain to me in a simpler way.
While I'm on the friends subject can I just say that Lauren; you probably don't even realise how much you've made me smile and just generally make me feel better over the past while. I just wanted to say that, thanks.

Okay, so I apologise for doing this post - I know it isn't like the "normal" me, but things are finally taking their toll on me and I'm getting paranoid of everyone and getting quite clingly to some people (I think that Lauren is one of these people and I really do want to say sorry about that). I know all this, so if you bear with me for the next little while then I would be grateful, if it's too much for you to cope with my personal stuff as well then please just stop following me or whatever.
And now I think I'll say this one more time, I really miss my best friend and can't wait until the 23rd just so we can laugh about things no one else gets, be utter geeks, have her making me feel like I should just by being there, and just being us. I'm now going to go curl up in my bedroom, make my room dark red by closing my blinds, grab Cushy and stick on season 8 of Stargate SG-1, probably cry a bit, try and work out what the fuck I want to do about everything, and try and get onto at least the episode 'Threads' (which was aired on my 10th birthday!) by the end of the weekend because knowing that Sam and Jack are all in love will inevitably make me smile a bit.

I don't care anymore, this is my life...

So some people wanted a blog so I'll give you one :)

Watched What Women Want last night and I'm seriously in love with it. It made me wonder why I always love the male characters when they're the chauvanistic pricks at the start instead of when they change. I still like them when they're soppy but I prefer the mean ones :/

As for real life I've decided that when we go back to school for fifth year I think I'm going to distance myself more from the people who I haven't known for as long and just get back to my life like it usedd to be when, since Sarah and Holly and the like don't have much drama, I could be calm and concentrate on my work instead of worrying about other people. I need to get back into my geeky state for Highers since Standard Grades probably won't have ended up as good as they could have.

I don't really give two shits if people think I'm just bailing out when things get tough because I probably am but hey it's my choice and none of the main problems even fucking concern me. I wish people would get it into their heads that some of us weren't involved and it's just making us feel crap when it shouldn't have to. And we won't be able to forget it easily but can't you all at least give us a fucking chance of getting over it?!
And if you're sitting here reading this thinking "oh look the bitch is talking about me" no i'm not, i'm generalizing most of the people involved so stop being so self-involved whoever you are, please for the sake of the rest of us.

Onto a happier kinda matter I won't be seeing my purdy girl until after the holidays but I don't really mind as much because it might get me to the point where I won't be really into her as I am now, which everyone will prefer :P

I don't even know what else I have to say so I'll speak soon.

I would post on LJ but I suppose that no one on that would know who I was talking about so I'll do it on here.
So last night I was planning to have an epic X Files night with Kyle, as usual, so we watched Lazurus and I was just going to change the disc when Kyle said "You're going to hate me but can we go to bed now." I gave him the filthiest look but decided that I would listen to music on my iPod in bed for a bit because I knew there was noithing on TV and I didn't want to wake up my parents with my TV.
Then when I woke up this morning my mum came in and asked why we went to bed so early, she was shocked when I told her it was Kyle's choice, she expected it to be me. Then she went "Why didn't you just use your earphones and put The Mentalist on you telly?" I was like "DAMN!" And then we both came up with the same argument against it: She would have woke up at about four to go to the toilet and just found me, sitting, staring, at the screen. :L I'm that predictable that my mum even notices it! Oh while I'm on the topic of The Mentalist, a) Kyle knew I would be grinning when Lisbon said Jane "is mean like that" so much that he almost burst out laughing when he looked over at me. b) I love Jane and Lisbon's relationship SO FRICKING MUCH!!!
So onto today. I watched an episode of The Mentalist and then Taggart cause I'm cool like that. Taggart was just finishing when Holly tweeted saying she wanted to meet up after her home issues so David and I decided to get her. We met up at the school (David tried to creep up on me from behind but I caught him) and headed off to David's house since it was empty. We just watched random funny youtube videos and then he offereed us a drink. Holly declined but I wanted some so me and him went to the kitchen and as I waited for him to pour some he just quickly turned around with a huge knife in his hand. I laughed then he started to come closer and I started laughing harder and shouting for Holly, who came through and laughed just as hard but David actually would make a good slasher movie killer, he has the right looks with a knife :L Then he started jabbing me with a tiny plastic knife that must have been from lego or something. I now think he has a knife fetish :P
Afterwards Holly and I left so David could get changed so we were completely freaked out becuase for the first ten minutes we saw and heard literally nothing!! We thought it was like something out of 28 Days Later :L and then we thought everyone had turned into dogs! We headed down to the public park cause Holy still felt kinda down and when we got there little kids had took all the swings so we just sat on a bench and chatted about random crap until the kids had moved and we spent about half an hour just sitting on the swings. It was really nice to just sit, even when it was silent, I hope that Holly realises that she'll always have me to talk to if she needs it or just for a hug. Holly Ehlana Black, you mean so much to me and you're one of the people that understands me [well understands as much as is possible with my brain :P] I hate seeing you upset and just remember that I'm on my phone nearly all the time so text/phone me whenever you need it *MEGA HUGS*
And now I'm just chilling out on Tumblr, Twitter and LiveJournal :)

Seriously?!

It all started in registration this morning. Well actually it started when I was being kind to Sarah when I signed up for Student Council at the Activities Fair thing since her list was empty. Mr MacDonald came in to regi to remind Sarah that the meeting was today and then saw me and told me to come along too since I seemed interested "/ (I'll skip past English lesson until after this story)
So Bethan and Lauren tagged along with us at lunch to Saffo's room. It was fine up until we had to sit in a big circle with three police officers. This blonde one was first introduced as Sergeant Conway, no big deal, then she introduced herself as Jackie. Now you all know about my Taggart obsession so sitting in a room with a sergeant named Jackie isn't a good idea. I looked over at Lauren who was looking at me too and we both had to sit there with bright red faces, trying desperately not to laugh. Then I looked at the other two officers, a guy who I would have preferred to have been fit as a distraction because of "Jackie" and then the other one was another woman who looked far too much like Blythe Duff and whose name was Gillian. My day was getting worse as it went on. They called Sergeant Conway by her first name at every possible opportunity and every single time I almost laughed out loud so had to look around the room. I couldn't even look straight across from me cause the bloody Blythe-lookalike was there!! And then the [un-gorgeous] guy mentioned chatting to strangers on the Internet so Lauren and I went red again and looked at each other. It was horrible and we'll have to go through the same again in 2 weeks when they come back.

Current English situation: Fuck. I already didn't like Miss Foley just because she irks me a lot and she can't teach too well. And today she made us copy down the timeline of Romeo and Juliet and then split into pairs to write it out with colour. She wouldn't let Sarah, Holly and I go in a group so I went with Thomas Kittel (us 6: us 3 girls, Thomas, Thomas Fyfe and Robert, have never been split up in English and that's how it will stay!) so we were busy drawing things like a pile of dead bodies with lots of blood, floating beds and random balcony scenes and things when Miss Foley walked past and Thomas said "Don't you think she looks a little like Gillian Anderson?" I looked over at her and I could feel everything shattering around my body. It is really true, except from their different hair colours they do look awfully similar! And looking at all my Gillian pictures now makes me really worried about going back into English because Gillian Anderson is the woman that I have the biggest crush on and now someone that I don't like looks like her so I don't know what I'm going to end up feeling :(

Art prelim tomorrow. Fail. At least the background seems quite easy to do, it's the Converse, sunglasses and cup I'm worried about. And the 5 hours of silence. But we might be getting lollies after it's over :)

Kind of same topic because one of the arguments happened in that lesson today. WARNING: major bitchiness and a lot of swearing in this paragraph. Probably unnecessary but I'm annoyed.
I don't think Lori is liking me recently. She has no fucking reason to dislike me! I have a reason to get angry with her because she gave me my box for first season FRIENDS back in a state! I gave it to her because she asked for it, the least she could fucking do was take care of it or at least apologise! So fucking annoyed but do I say anything to her?! NO, because I try to be a good friend then she fucking throws it back in my face. I'll bloody laugh if she fails this stupid Michael Jackson painting tomorrow after she said that it will turn out really good!

I think I might have just passed the Physics NAB I had 4th period.

Can't think of anything else to say so see you later. <3

Stupid Love.

So Helen wanted to see "the wonderful masterpiece" that I've been working and complaining about this weekend: the dreaded reflective piece of writing that we got given to do in English about our feelings on love! I might add to this before handing it in on Monday but here it is at it's point just now :P

***

Reflective Writing
Love

This thing called love. It's one of the main things that I know I want in life and that I put a lot of my trust in finding. In my opinion love is the emotion you feel when you have a deep connection with another person, whether it's a friend, family member or partner. It gives people hope and someone to turn to when they need a shoulder to cry on or on the other hand someone there for when they're celebrating news that no-one else would find exciting.

I think the media influences me a lot in what I believe about love since most of the TV shows that I watch have at least one couple that I end up dedicating hours to searching the internet for pictures of. Seriously, I have hundreds of pictures on my iPod of fictional couples I fell for straight away. I also have a wall next to my computer filled with pictures of people I love, such as the friends that I could not get through my life without.

Based what I've watched in films, TV and real life I think that there's some people who are destined to be together, even if they're complete opposites. For example, in the TV show 'The X-Files' Fox Mulder believes in all kinds of extraterrestrial phenomena while his partner, Dana Scully, tries to make a scientific reason for the strange events that they see. Yet over the course of the seasons we see that they go from trusting no-one to only believing in the other. It's that sort of relationship that I would want; defying everything that anyone else says just to fall in love with the one person I never thought I would.

Most of the DVDs in my bedroom can be simply put into the genre of romance. I just seem to have some sort of magnetic field that picks up on that kind of film and forces me to buy it. Even after only the first few scenes I want the two lead characters to get together and fall madly and deeply in love. My most watched movie is either 'Something's Gotta Give' or 'You've Got Mail', which not only have some of my favourite lead actors – Diane Keaton, Jack Nicholson, Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks – but also create the best story lines that I can think of. They both show how people from different lives and even business rivals can do what they fear most and fall for the other person.

This probably makes me sound as though I would believe in love at first sight but I don't. I think that you might feel an instant want for the person but you need to get to know what they are like first and even if you try to deny enjoying their company, like in 'You've Got Mail', you have to see what is in their personality.

I'm probably the most romantic out of all my friends, I always want to see that there's a happily ever after for everyone. Even our reading habits show this off: I read books that tell me there's a lost love or two unlikely characters falling in love, whereas they would rather read ones by Stephen King where everyone dies or gets horrifically injured. This shows my point that polar opposite people do suit each other, I couldn't imagine what I would be like without the friends that I've met since coming up to high school. I love them and they probably don't really know it because I try to hide my feelings when I'm talking to them face-to-face. I am much more comfortable telling them how I feel over the internet since they can't see how much I smile when they say something nice or encouraging to me. I should tell them how much they mean to me in case something happens but I know they aren't the type of people who would think I was just being stupid and tell me to go back to being the person who comes out with things that don't even make sense. That's what they love about me.

I know I wouldn't be here without my family and although I do love them, I don't think I have ever told them so and probably never will. My mum and I argue on almost a daily basis and I am the first to admit I've told people I hate her but she's always there for me if I ask her for it. Until a few weeks ago she didn't even know what I wanted to do in the future but she knew me well enough to suggest forensics and although that can't happen because of the subject choices I have made, I do want to pursue a career in biomedicine which is all about disease so it's quite close to her thoughts.

My dad and I have always got on better with each other, I'm much closer to him than my mum. I would probably tell him how I feel before going to her, it's how it's always been in my family; me and dad getting on and my mum and brother on the other side. It's how it's supposed to be and what we're used to, we know we love each other but don't say it. I don't think I've ever even heard my parents say it. That's probably why I put so much time in to fictional pairings, they usually say it by the halfway point of the film and I like seeing the differences between that and my own life.

Hiyaaa (again)

Well I've been kinda neglecting this haven't I? I apologise but LiveJournal kept grabbing my attention more.
Tomorrow I'll finally be the same age as most of my friends: FIFTEEN!!! I'm actually scared because it'll be one step closer to being an "adult" which I don't feel I'm ready for at all!

Me and Kyle have been getting on really well recently. Yesterday he was on the laptop so I went and sat next to him to see what he was up to, he was on Google Earth looking at all the Masonic shapes made in the street layout and I just loved him then because it reminds me of what I'm like when I read Dan Brown books so I started pointing other things out to him. Eventually I persuaded him to go onto Dan Brown's official website to play some of the games and we got completely addicted to the Symbol Quest one. I don't think we'll ever be the closest siblings in the world but where we are now is really nice.

I should really start revising for all my exams at the end of the school year but I have other priorities, namely fanfiction. I have no idea if I'm going to be a complete geek in 5th year and take Maths, English and the 3 Sciences or take Maths, English, Biology, Physics and Art, although I know I would end up with a rubbish mark in Art because I never meet deadlines and the written part of the exam looks awful.

I think tomorrow I'll end up being killed by either Connor "ginger child" Low, Mrs Mcfadyen, Mr Johnstone, or all of them because I didn't go to some stupid Eco Schools thing on Friday. Instead I went up the street with Euan and Christy. It was good fun! And it's nice to be friends and speaking with Euan again. He's a great guy!

THIRTEEN DAYS!!!! That's when Christy's sleepover with me is and... HELEN IS COMING!!!! I'm so fricking excited it's unbelievable!!

Last night I was bored in my room so grabbed my [pretty] electric guitar from under my bed, got the internet on my phone and found tab music for Since You've Been Gone by Rainbow and it is surprisingly not that hard to learn! Also tried to play More Than A Feeling by Boston but that's not as easy :( I'm such a failure though at playing the guitar!
Great. I've now got Since You've Been Gone stuck in my head!!

I'm now procastinating from writing a Valentine's Day fic because my brain doesn't want to come up with a structured plan for it, I'm not used to that - my brain usually comes up with lots of ideas that I can make into a lot of different stories but it isn't the same now :S

Love and Hugs.
Over and Out.

Maths Joys

This is going to be a blog solely about the Maths lesson we had 3rd period today because it deserves to be all on it’s own :)

We had all been dreading the lesson because since Mr Saffhill has been made a Guidance teacher he is abandoning us on Fridays. Today we had this random student teacher (for all I know he might be fully qualified but we haven’t been told!) called Mr Bradshaw, we had been making fun off him for ages anyway but having him as a teacher was even worse!

He gave us this random set of french maths question things and told us to go in groups so I went with Sarah, Holly, Lauren, David and Erin. Now that should be enough to realise that only two of them would actually work (Sarah and Erin). So David had the french dictionary that we were supposed to be looking up for this translation one but instead he was looking up random words like pneumatic drill and sperm etc. So the rest of us were in hysterics and while I was trying to make a pentade(?) I got a triangle of paper that I wasn’t using, wrote “I Love Sue” on it and stuck it to Lauren’s head so when Mr Bradshaw came over he helped me attempt to make it, wondered why we were pissing ourselves with laughter (it was because David muttered he had his head on upside down :L and because he asked if he could have the aquare of paper that unbeknown to him I was actually writing “I’m a Cheerio” on) and then asked Lauren why she had paper stuck to her head and she took it off while saying she didn’t actually know :P

And there was also us trying to translate Glee quotes into french which was too funny, we used the “I’ll get you a kitty cat…” one!

Then the best part came at the end when we were tidying all our stuff away. I found the triangle with “I Love Sue” and went up and stuck it on David’s forehead while Mr Bradshaw was watching so he came up to me and shouted “Seriously, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” I had to stand there biting my lip trying not to burst out laughing in his face as he chastised the fact i “had been sitting giggling the whole lesson” He let us sit there laughing though, he didn’t tell us to work!!

So on the way up to Geography and after that David, Lauren, Euan and I kept asking each other what the hell we thought we were doing. So all in all a very productive way to spend a maths lesson and I’m guessing next Friday will be just as bad unless he actually tries to teach us “/ :L

Love and Hugs.
Over and Out.

i is sleepy.

“And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do”
What Hurts The Most – Rascal Flatts

So school today was so very tedious. Sarah wasn’t there because she was in England so that meant I actually had to do my homework by myself and considering I usually copy her work I’m not hopeful about getting it all back.

First I had English which was alright I suppose, me and Holly were giggling about her getting to see Dorian Gray finally and at the end of that I realised my phone had turned itself off :@

Second was Art. That subject is really annoying me for some reason and I am still adamant that I did do another idea for my development. The word adamant got Holly on to the subject of Ben Barnes again because she made it into Adam And The Ants which made her start singing Prince Charming then linked it to Prince Caspian and Ben Barnes :L

Third: Music. My cool group had been told we had our performance prelim tomorrow so I had planned on doing a lot of practise tonight but lo-and-behold it was actually today. Miss Lundy was back and I have mixed emotions about this because she lets us do a lot of practical which is good but she’s useless at theory so I hope one of the other teachers takes over with that. My prelim apparently went well in Mr Murphy’s opinion :L no chance with my outburst of “bleh”. Then we -me, Caitlin, Kirsty, Briege and Lori - had a little jamming session of Don’t Stop Believin’ which started me and Kirsty of about Glee (woo for tonight!) and then we sang Mamma Mia since we haven’t for ages and it bring back all our Miss Lundy moments from last year :L!

Fourth: French. I had the whole row to myself thanks to lack of Sarah. I kept looking over at Lauren and then we started mouthing along to Don’t Stop Believin’ and not much else was achieved in that class.

Lunch was good apart from eco-schools. And I apologise and take full blame for the sickening thought about Colin Firth and Ben Barnes, I really should check cast lists before opening my mouth :L

Fifth and sixth were Geography and Biology which were so utterly boring they don’t even deserve a paragraph.

Since getting home I’ve started and almost completed my next songfic for my More Than Just Lyrics and had a little dance and lip-syncing awesome time with my iTunes library :)

And that’s about all.

Love and Hugs.
Over and Out.

Snow Day.

“If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along
So why can’t you see
You belong with me”
You Belong With Me – Taylor Swift

Wooo for first day of school in 2010 being called off!

Woke up this morning and as usual grabbed my phone and checked e-mails. Unsurprisingly I had a lot of FanFiction related e-mails thanks to my numerous days spent on this machine typing more stories. So I’ve been having a lot of random fun with Helen and Chelle because of this.

The day was spoilt a little because as I was on the laptop earlier I had the music channels on the TV playing. Spirit In The Sky came on and I broke down in tears. It was one of the songs played at my uncle’s funeral in the summer and I’ve never really grieved over him properly so it had to come one day or another, and it was today. Thanks go to Helen for writing on my Facebook wall, making sure I was okay *hugs*

Can’t get printer installing properly so having to take my redrafted personal study on a pendrive.

For my birthday next month I don’t know what I’m getting from my parents because it was originally going to be seasons 1+2 of 30 Rock and the 100th Episode of Taggart Collection but I ordered them a couple of days ago and decided to pay for them myself with Christmas money.
Also on the topic of my birthday I think I’m having two parties. First will be on the 6th February (Saturday before the actual day) and that will be for people such as Holly, Lori, Kathryn, etc. and if St Trinians 2 is still in cinemas then we’ll go and see that. Second will be on the 13th February (Saturday after the actual day) and that will be for Twig Army members who wish to come and Helen if you’re available I would love for you to come along :) For this one if people want to then we’ll go and see It’s Complicated (only cause I have to see it soon) or something else possibly to childish for us so we can have a giggle!Lauren you’re invited to both because you’re a member of my school clique and the Twig Army and you’re one of my besties so I want to spend time with you, and obviously because we have to see Colin Firth and David Tennant in the same movie *drools*

Just found out I have 401 views on my Robbie/Jackie fanvideo on YouTube which I am incredibly surprised and ecstatic about. Why not put it in this blog :)

Right I think that’s enough blogging for today. Comment if you want to come to birthday bash :) Love and Hugs. Over and Out.